Dilemmas

I really have a dilemma that I think about constantly. I love being a stay at home mom. I get to watch my little boy grow and learn new things everyday, I have a couple "off" days while he is at mother's day out to get some housework done, and I get to spend beautiful days outside playing.  However, I have a huge complex about not contributing to the household in the form of a paycheck.

I know there are women out there who long to be in my position and would slap me if they could, but let me explain my why I feel this way. First of all, my mom always worked. I never had a mom that stayed at home and I think that is part of the reason I feel this way. She always worked and brought in a paycheck because she had to in order for my sister and I to have things we wanted and not just needed. When I was little I loved to dress up in her work clothes and heels and I always thought it was cool to go and visit her at her office. I guess these are some of the reasons it seems natural to me that I should have a job.

Another reason I struggle is because I always feel I am spending my hubby's hard earned money. He constantly assures me that it is our money regardless of where it comes from, but I just cannot seem to get that into my belief system. He praises my ability to keep our house in clean and smooth running order, but, in my opinion, that is something I did prior to kids so why would I not do it now (job or no job)? When I go to purchase something, I automatically question myself multiple times because I don't want to throw away money that I watch my husband bust his tail to earn. I guess I think if I worked I wouldn't feel such guilt.

I also feel, at times, that I have no goals or purpose. I am just here...cleaning the house, washing the laundry, changing dirty diapers, cooking dinner, etc, etc, etc.... I know this is only me being super tough on myself, but that little devil is still perched on my shoulder saying, "You know you could be doing something more....."

I am just going to hold tight to that old saying, "The grass is not always greener on the other side." I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I went back to work now, I would kick myself. I would long for the days when I was a stay at home mom and I would ache for those precious moments with my son. I would loathe having to get dressed up everyday, despise having to rush in the mornings, be upset by missing Will's MDO activities, and I would constantly wish the weekends were longer. Oh, and let me not forget to mention how much I would miss all of my other stay at home mom buddies.

So all in all, I guess I can just suck it up and know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing during this brief season of my life.